I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
