That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
