I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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