Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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