Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
