cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
