New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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