My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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