Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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