I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
