theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
