I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
