I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
