I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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