the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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