My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
