I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
