Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he thought i was a dude.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
