just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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