apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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