I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
