dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
