A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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