I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
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sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
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I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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