Well douche your snatch and let's go!
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
