I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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