That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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