I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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