This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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