So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
