I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
