So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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