I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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