Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
