i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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