Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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