I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
