In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
