I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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