I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize