I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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