I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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