i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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