Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
