So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
