im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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