I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
