i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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