i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I am one with the molecules
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
