He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
