When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
