i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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