just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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