ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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